Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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