Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We don't watch enough power rangers
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
