She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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