I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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