remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
