and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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