I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
