well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
