Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
our cab driver is having phone sex.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
