He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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