Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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