The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We are two peas in an std pod
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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