Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
