I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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