Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
