My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
