I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
