my shit smells like andre
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
