Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
