Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
