If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Randomize
