Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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