I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
