Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
