But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You may now shotgun with the bride
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
