not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize