Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
