Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
