So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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