Dude my mom stole all your condoms
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
