Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You smell like a Billy Joel song
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
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