why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You smell like stripper and shame
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
