I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
