she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
