You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
