I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
