Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We talked him into tasing himself.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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