He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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