Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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