ADVERTISEMENT

• (510): View more from California

  I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

  (1-510): View more from California

  It was probably Jesus.

  (510): View more from California

  I feel like he would have left a message.

  Fav 36 4800 1165

  share tweet
  

• (708): View more from Illinois

  A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.

  Fav 24 4210 1267

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (650): View more from California

  Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy

  Fav 8 1232 3115

  share tweet
  

• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.

  Fav 16 1600 2241

  share tweet
  

• (501): View more from Arkansas

  And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"

  Fav 4 2417 849

  share tweet
  

• (409): View more from Texas

  Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?

  Fav 7 2774 1162

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (208): View more from Idaho

  if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.

  Fav 3 2449 1011

  share tweet
  

• (618): View more from Illinois

  If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life

  Fav 6 863 1091

  share tweet
  

• (336): View more from North Carolina

  I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered

  Fav 4 1158 598

  share tweet
  

• (719): View more from Colorado

  Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.

  Fav 3 502 276

  share tweet
  

• (760): View more from California

  Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.

  Fav 0 220 322

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (613): View more from Ontario

  sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name

  Fav 0 57 9

  share tweet
  

• (973): View more from New Jersey

  I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.

  Fav 0 19 35

  share tweet
  

• (208): View more from Idaho

  Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass

  Fav 0 6 40

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (270): View more from Kentucky

  The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila

  (618): View more from Illinois

  Most of the people I know from AA

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Haha touché

  Fav 0 58 5

  share tweet
  

Randomize