Can i not drive my cunt home
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
