If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
