John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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