i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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