im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
It's never too late to be topless.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
