On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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