Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
