She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
