Who did Billy Mays play for?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
