I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
someone owes me an orgasm
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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