I wish I only lived at night.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
