o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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