guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
