Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
