hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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