I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it's like iHOP with fire
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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