so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
