Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
