1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
