it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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