Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
