Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
